The Dream
I dreamt about being in a dining room/kitchen with my sister Nikki and she was seated at the dining table eating. Hungry and expectant, I looked to her because there was more of what she’d made still on the stove. She continued to eat, and I stood waiting. I may have sat before her, plate in hand at some point but she didn’t offer me any of the food. Eventually, I think I moved to take some, but she said, “No you can’t have any,” and kept eating.
I got very angry and lobbed expletives at her, then said, “I hope your food is meat to your bones and fat to your body.” I kept pacing across the dining and living rooms, then flung down the plate, went and got a cereal bowl and said, “Fine I’ll eat my own food.”
In a different section of the room, I opened a tall, double-door cupboard with many shelves filled from roof to floor with my favourite corn flakes.
After that, she wasn’t even in the picture anymore.
The reflection
When I woke up and reflected on the dream, I realized a few things. The dream wasn’t about Nikki (she passed away and when she was alive, she’d always share with me). The dream was about my unresolved ill-feelings towards women (and to a lesser extent, people in general).
I keep looking to receive validation from people when God has provided all I need. It’s important here to point out that I really like cereal, I have it every day, and the one that’s my favourite is the ‘buy six boxes when I see it’ kind of favourite. God has a full cupboard for me and instead of going to Him first, I went to a human being. Then I was hastily angry and sinned (Eccles. 7:9 & Eph. 4:26) when I didn’t get what I wanted from that person.
God is the Author and the Finisher (Heb. 12:2), in this situation that means three things:
- He’s written everything into me that I need from before I knew I needed it. (Psalm 139:13-16).
- He’s written everything in the world around me that I’ll ever need before I know I need it. (Psalm 16:5&6).
- He will finish—in time and space—what is already finished in Him, in eternity. It’s already done as far as He’s concerned, I just need to look to Him and wait on Him. (Phil. 1:6).
With all that said and acknowledged, I can then say I am good enough for me and my God is more than good enough for me. Humans have nothing to offer me that God cannot give me. This is not to say that I won’t receive anything from anyone, or that community is bad, or that relationships are bad. It is to say that in relationships with people, in community, and in marriage, our validation, affirmation, strength, etc. must come from the Lord (Psalm 118:8). If we enter relationships expecting to be taken care of, what happens when we aren’t? What happens when people fail us? Will the way we relate to them change based on their supposed failure? Do we expect perfect and sustained care from imperfect and fallible beings like ourselves?
Basically, I look to people because I’m afraid to look to God. I look to people because I’m afraid to look to God’s work in me. I look to people because I’m afraid to look to me. God has remade me into a good thing. I am a good thing. He’s good and He dwells in me, therefore I am good because of Him. If people share, great! If people show love, cool. But the first place I go for validation, must be to God, then God’s work in me (my abilities, giftings, capabilities, etc.)
In choosing to go to the person in the dream first, I chose to ignore all that I already owned. I went and begged for provision from someone who had no obligation to feed me; also, what they would have given me was inferior to what I already owned in/by/through Jesus.
Parallels to the prodigal son
Let’s think about the prodigal son out in the streets (Luke 15:11-32), and how he ended up with nothing. Why?
- He was not a good steward of what he had. His possessions were likely enough to sustain him if he’d invested them sensibly.
- He left where he had it all to go seek validation, pleasure, and comfort from the world. He wasted all his wealth.
- When he ran out of funds, he did not immediately go back to his home where provision was always available.
How did he end up eating with pigs before going home? He should’ve gone straight home the moment he ran out of provision. We think God has a problem with this, we accept the lie that since we messed up, we can’t turn to God. We know how the story ends; the father only rejoices that his son came home. God is slow to anger and just wants us home. The same way the son was received after wallowing in mud, he’d have been received at ANY point after he left, all he needed to do was turn around. If he’d turned around at the gate before leaving, or turned around after the first dollar was spent, or right after the last dollar was gone, it wouldn’t have made a difference. His father had room for him.
So does God continue to have all that we need. The things/people/places we seek to use to satisfy us, can’t. Eventually we run out of what they want or they run out of what we think we want and we are left with nothing.
Abram and Sarai
Think about Abram and Sarai; he looked to her to provide his son (Gen. 16:1-6). She gave pseudo-provision. He should’ve looked to God first. He shouldn’t have looked to himself (or his wife) in this instance because they’d already tried to have a child. But God made a complete promise, all Abram needed to do was wait on God (Psalm 33:20-22). If you ask God and He says, “I got you,” then you stop looking. If Abram had waited, he’d have gotten Isaac in good time. Provision had already been made (Gen. 15:4). God had already created Isaac and given him to Abram. Abram just needed to allow the fullness of time. In Genesis 15:6, his belief in God was counted to him for righteousness; he believed but he didn’t wait. If Abram had waited, Ishmael wouldn’t have been born and Hagar would’ve likely married a manservant and lived a normal, happy life. Abram threw her life into a tailspin by not continuing to look to God. We know that God is gracious to forgive but the actions we took before we ask forgiveness still have consequences afterwards. Both are true. If we look to God first, we don’t need to look anywhere else. When we look to God and follow what He says, there are no sinful consequences.
Let’s wrap this up by remembering that if God says, “you already have it,” then you look in the cupboards of your skill set. You have gifts that only you have; when God shaped you as a person, He placed the gifts you need in you. We should never look to others for provision. Everything we need is in God in Christ Jesus.
KADOWSH 